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Have Your Parents Talked to You?
Kate Ott, RN, BSN
November 23, 2011

One morning when I was 14 I woke up to find a new book on my bedside table. The title was Almost Twelve. It described puberty, menstruation and sex. My mother apparently thought 14 was the right age to "talk" to me about the birds and the bees. I was highly offended because I had already figured it all out. After all we had a dictionary in the house and I had older siblings. Besides, I wasn't almost 12, I was 14!

I recently asked a bunch of high school juniors and seniors how they had learned about sex. Most said that it was not through their parents. In fact many thought that this would have been very uncomfortable and embarrassing.

What's the problem?
So, who should be telling kids about sex? How would you like to have learned about the birds and the bees? Should we leave it up to older siblings, friends, the media, health teachers, and the internet?

Your parents know that someday you will have sex but many find it difficult to talk about. To parents, your childhood has flown by and the thought that you are or will soon be sexually active just doesn't seem possible. They have probably wanted to talk to you about sex for a while now but haven't been able to find the right time or the right words to get the conversation started. They might be worried about your reaction or perhaps that you will tell them something they will find difficult to hear. For whatever the reason, many parents procrastinate.

The thought of bringing the topic of sex up to my parents never entered my mind as a teenager. After all, my mother left me a book under cover of darkness. She was obviously uncomfortable talking about it. I knew very little about sex, sexually transmitted diseases, and contraception when I went off to college. I had questions and Wikipedia had not yet been invented.

Tips for talking…
Here are some ideas for getting the conversation started with Mom and Dad:

• Realize that this conversation is probably as uncomfortable for your parents as it is for you.

• You don't need to talk to them both at once, but don't expect them to keep secrets from each other.

• Use an Ice Breaker

  • One toe in the water approach: We talked about HPV vaccine in Health.
  • Up to your knees: I have a friend who took the morning after pill.
  • The waves are getting higher: Dad, do you know anything about STD's? Mom, do you think birth control pills are safe?
  • Treading water: Dad, how old were you when you started having sex? He may refuse to answer, but you will have his undivided attention.

• Keep the conversation short. You don't need all of your information at once. This will give your parents a chance to take a deep breath, re-focus and get their facts straight prior to your next conversation.

• Talk in the car. Try it on a short trip. Your parent will be a captive audience, no one has to make eye contact, and you will be able to escape once you reach your destination. It is even easier if you are in the back seat and it is dark out. In the interest of safety, however, do not drop large bombs in the car like; Hey Dad, guess what! My girlfriend is pregnant.

• Keep in mind that your parents may freak out a bit. Be prepared for anger, disapproval or even tears. It is okay. In 10 years, you will probably laugh about it together; Hey Mom, remember how crazy you got when I asked you about birth control?

• Consider that though your parents may freak out, they usually have your best interests at heart. It just may take them a little time to get over the initial shock. A "no" to birth control pills today, might be a "yes" next week.

I'm afraid.
Some teens have concerns about their safety when it comes to talking to their parents about sex. If a parent or guardian has been abusive in the past, these fears may be legitimate. Kids whose parents abuse drugs or alcohol may be particularly hesitant. If the threat of physical violence exists, it may be preferable to speak with a trusted adult outside of your home.

Who else can I talk to?
One place to turn is your doctor. In New York State, reproductive healthcare for minors is confidential. Physicians and clinic staff cannot give your parents or guardians information about your sexual history without your permission. This includes your sexual preference, birth control method, testing results, etc. Be aware, however, that if you are on your parents' health insurance plan they may become aware of your office visit through statements they receive in the mail.

Going to a family planning center is another option. These clinics are staffed with professionals who specialize in birth control and STD testing and treatment. They cater to young patients and most see both men and women. Payment is usually determined on a sliding fee scale and birth control methods are often dispensed on site. In addition, your local health department may have a free STD clinic.

Your school is also a great source of information about sex. Health teachers, school psychologists, guidance counselors and school nurses are usually very willing to talk. An added benefit is they are available during the school day.

Why do I need to talk to anyone?
Accurate information about sex from reliable sources is important for your health and safety. Hopefully, you can talk to your parents. If not, you need to find another way to get your questions answered in a confidential, non-judgmental atmosphere. For more information on this topic, go to the sites at the end of this page, or contact:

General information from the CDC: http://www.cdc.gov/sexualhealth/

A lot of teens have questions about preventing pregnancy? See what questions are asked the most here: http://www.itsyoursexlife.com/gyt/protect/preventing-pregnancy-faqs/

There are many methods for pregnancy prevention and protection against STDs. Did you know about all of these? http://www.sexetc.org/page/safersexguide

Is there a "right time" to have sex for the first time? http://stayteen.org/article/theres-no-timeline-sex

By age 25, about one in two people who are sexually active people will get an STD. Why should you get tested? http://www.itsyoursexlife.com/gyt/know/testing-faqs/why-should-i-get-tested

What's your relationship reality? http://stayteen.org/relationships

December, 2011